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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23194345">what were the words I meant to say before you left</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/madasthesea/pseuds/madasthesea'>madasthesea</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nice work, kid [26]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Hospitals, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Tony still snaps but he doesn't die</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:35:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,143</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23194345</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/madasthesea/pseuds/madasthesea</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can’t imagine this world without you,” he finally muttered. “My world. Without you.”</p><p> </p><p>Peter at Tony's bedside.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Nice work, kid [26]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1123320</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1319</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Irondad Creators Awards 2021 - Nominations</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Filling the prompt: “I can’t imagine this world without you.” Title from January Hymn by The Decemberists</p><p>Cross posted on tumblr a couple months ago, I just haven't moved it over yet. I have a couple more I'll be posting this week.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You know, I… I’ve known you my whole life. Since as long as I can remember.”</p><p>Peter’s whisper was nearly drowned out by the beeping of the heart monitor, the hiss of oxygen through the nasal cannula. The florescent lights were off, but the light from city on the other side of the windows was more than enough to see the burnt side of Tony’s face. </p><p>Peter pulled his feet up onto the chair, slouching backward until he almost couldn’t see over his knees.</p><p>“I remember the news when you were missing. The press conference. I watched you fly overhead one day at school, I think you were just going for a joy ride.”</p><p>He cleared his throat, looked down at his hands.</p><p>“I made May bake you a cake for your birthday once. That’s… a little creepy, actually, sorry. But I was little and you’d saved me and I just… I felt like I knew you. I felt like we were connected or something, and then I actually met you and you were nothing and everything I expected and I–” </p><p>Peter took a deep breath and traced Tony’s profile in the darkness with his eyes. He’d seen Tony in a hundred different lights with a thousand different expressions and he knew Tony now, actually knew him, not just facts that he’d read online. </p><p>Tony had always been in his life as some unattainable hero to worship, an unfathomable mind to emulate. And now here he was, his soft, mechanical breaths filling the silence as Peter gathered his thought. </p><p>“I can’t imagine this world without you,” he finally muttered. “My world. Without you.”</p><p>Peter shoved his hands into the pocket of the MIT hoodie he’d stolen a few weeks and five years ago. It smelled a little stale from sitting in a box for so long. </p><p>“And I just–I keep thinking if our places were reversed. If you’d been Blipped and I’d lived and I just… I’ve never lived in a world where Tony Stark doesn’t exist.” Peter’s voice broke and he scrunched up his nose to stop the burning behind his eyes.</p><p>“And I don’t want to, ok?” He asked, his vision blurring as he stared out the windows. “So don’t… as some sort of payback for the five years, alright? Cause that–”</p><p>He cut himself off, rubbing a hand over his face, catching tears on his fingertips.</p><p>“Five years. Geez, I can’t believe… Mr. Stark. You mourned me longer than you knew me and you never even told me… you never said…”</p><p>He was cold. The hoodie material was thin after years of washing and the medbay was always a little cool. He shoved his hands under his armpits and curled tighter in his chair.</p><p>“So you’ve got to wake up and say it, alright? And I–I’ll say it, too, and then we can both be all awkward about it, but you’ve got to wake up first. I’m not saying it until you wake up.” </p><p>The oxygen hissed again as Tony breathed. The heart monitor beeped. Peter wiped the last of the tears from his face, laid his head against the back of the chair, and slept. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I forgot it was Tony's birthday today, so I had to throw something together to celebrate, and this has been floating in my head for a while.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’ve had this dream before.”</p><p>Peter jolts awake, squinting at the dully lit room around him, lifting a hand to rub his aching neck before he realizes who spoke.</p><p>The hospital room is silent for a heartbeat as Peter stares at Tony, who stares right back.</p><p>“Mr. Stark,” Peter breathes.</p><p>Tony gives a tremulous little smile.</p><p>“I’m not usually in a hospital bed, though,” Tony says, his voice weak.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“In my dream. The one where you’re alive.”</p><p>Peter sucks in a breath and leans forward in his chair, dropping his feet to the floor.</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“The MIT sweatshirt is a nice touch,” Tony interrupts. “Look at you.” There’s something aching and proud in Tony’s voice that makes Peter freeze and look at Tony, past the burns and gray hair. Tony’s eyes are soft as he watches Peter, his bottom lip trembling ever so slightly.</p><p>“Mr. Stark,” Peter whispers. Tony just smiles at him, awestruck and heartbroken.</p><p>“It’s so real. Every time.” Tony reaches his good hand out, beckoning. Peter obeys, moving to sit on the edge of the hospital bed. Tony’s hand immediately touches his face, tracing his chin with shaking fingers.</p><p>“I can always touch you,” he murmurs. “Smell your shampoo.” He combs his fingers through Peter’s hair, tucks a strand behind his ear.</p><p>There’s a lull as Tony cups Peter’s cheek and strokes underneath his eye. He seems to be savoring the warmth of Peter’s skin. Peter pushes against his hand a little, leaning into him, and that smile comes back, the one that looks like Peter’s ripping Tony’s heart out of his chest with his bare hands and Tony couldn’t love him more.</p><p>“And then I wake up.” Tony’s voice breaks.</p><p>“Tony, this isn’t a dream,” Peter says frantically. “You saved me. I’m here.”</p><p>Tony shifts his hand to the back of Peter’s head and pulls him toward his chest.</p><p>“Yeah,” he sighs. “You’ve said that before, too. But I always wake up and you’re always gone. I can still feel it, though, when I wake up.”</p><p>“Feel what?” Peter asks, pressing his forehead against Tony’s collarbone.</p><p>“What it feels like to hold you. For just a few minutes it’s like I can still feel your warmth.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Tears burn in Peter’s eyes for what he’s done to Tony by dying.</p><p>“It’s worth it,” Tony says, shaking his head. “To see you again.”</p><p>Tony fades for a long moment, his breathing slowing down.</p><p>“Looks like I’m waking up, Pete.” Peter knows that he’s actually falling asleep, but he doesn’t interrupt because Tony takes another breath and opens his mouth.</p><p>“I love you, kiddo,” Tony murmurs as his eyes fall closed.</p><p>Peter hiccups an almost hysterical laugh.</p><p>“Love you,” he babbles. Tony’s fingers tangle in his hair before going loose and warm. “I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>When Tony wakes up, he can feel Peter’s warmth. The weight of him against his chest.</p><p>Heart shattering as it does every time he dreams of Peter and wakes to nothing but the memory of him, Tony takes a deep breath. He holds onto it for another long minute, not quite ready to face reality. He can almost feel him breathing.</p><p>But Tony knows he can’t live a lie. He’d tried, for a while, and it nearly destroyed him. He opens his eyes.</p><p>Peter Parker is asleep next to him, wearing his MIT sweatshirt and drooling onto his shoulder.</p><p>After the shock settles, after Tony realizes he isn’t hallucinating, he shakes Peter awake.</p><p>“Mr. Stark,” Peter gasps as his eyes snap open.</p><p>“Do not ever,” Tony says firmly, cupping Peter’s jaw in his hand, “make me live in a world without you again.”  </p>
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